Have you ever tried to talk to a friend or family member about your worries and troubles and it’s not turned out quite how you were hoping it would. Have you been open and honest about your feelings and come away feeling disappointed, unheard and misunderstood, making you feel isolated and worthless, guilty about expressing your feelings and then vow never speak to anyone again and keep it all bottled up inside.
This can sometimes happen because the people who care and love us will want to take your pain away and they do this by trying to ‘fix’ the problem often by making what they think are helpful suggestions.
They might reply by saying something like ‘everyone feels like that’ or ‘just ignore it’ or ‘why don’t you do (something else) instead?’
At worst they might say ‘don’t be silly’ or ‘is that even a problem?’ or ‘there are other people worse off than you’ or ‘you’re wrong’.
But how can you be wrong when you are telling someone your honest feelings? If you are feeling stressed, then that is your truth. If you are feeling anxious then that is exactly how you are feeling at that moment. So, you can’t be wrong!
Have you ever been asked your opinion in a work situation and the other person has not liked or taken on board your reply and response? Have they gone on to belittle your opinion and made you feel that your thoughts, experiences and knowledge have no value. They might even have ridiculed your ideas and point of view, making you feel sad and depressed or angry.
Have you ever wondered why we feel the need to be understood and heard? Is it because we think other people perceive us to be one thing but our own sense of being is something else? Perhaps you have been told you are ‘too sensitive’ or ‘too outspoken’ but you feel that you are just responding to a situation or other people’s reactions to you in the only way you know how and you find yourself saying ‘no, that’s not what I meant!’ but then find it difficult to precisely express what you did mean.
Eventually this can make you feel unfairly judged by other people, causing you to lose trust in friends and family and you start to lose who you are in all the feelings of confusion and doubt and anger. This can cause self-loathing, low confidence and low self-esteem. All because you feel misunderstood.
So, what can be done?
Here are a few tips which might work for you
1. Be prepared! If you have something you want or need to speak to someone about then make some plans to ensure what you want to say and how you want to say it. Think about the responses you might get from the other person, how might you reply to these?
2. Look at how you are feeling! Are you angry, too hot, too cold, hungry or tired? These are generally not a good starting point to express your feelings in a coherent and rational way.
3. Choose your timing! Sometimes we dwell on things overnight so when we first get up in the morning, that is the time we choose to talk but is that really the best time? Make sure you and the other person have enough time to talk and listen.
4. Prepare the other person. Sometimes we know what we want to say and then at the first opportunity blurt it out the other person, knowing that we have to get the feelings off our chest. BUT! Have you given the other person chance to be prepared? Sometimes it might be helpful to say to someone ‘I’d like to talk to you about something, is now a good time?’
5. Choose your person wisely. It’s not about finding a ‘yes’ person, but perhaps someone who you respect and know will give you good advice or at least the time and space to speak freely without judgement or interruption.
6. Have you thought about talking to a professional? You are not being selfish or a failure by asking for help. If you had a bad back, you would see a professional osteopath or physiotherapist to help you to feel better because they have the skills and knowledge to help you. The same goes for our mental health. Sometimes no matter how hard we try to make things better by ourselves we are not as successful as we would like. See below on how talking to a solution focused practitioner can help.
Solution focused therapy can really help and support you because instead of questioning why you feel in a particular way, a solution focused practitioner will listen to you and acknowledge your feelings and support you to find a way forward. I work by encouraging you to see that although things have been tough, you have managed to keep going even though you are worried and anxious.
What if you have been responding in a way that you don’t like? Perhaps you have been angry and have got into the habit of reacting with aggression and would like to change this. With some time, effort, work and commitment I can support you to make changes to the way you think and behave. I might ask you ‘how would you like to feel or react instead?’ and the answer you come up with helps your mind to see an alternative to how you are thinking and feeling, and this can help to set your goal of feeling better and brighter, and the therapy process can begin from there.
If this sounds familiar and you would like to have a quick chat with me about how I can help, please get in touch
07887902557
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